My Journey Thus Far:

Monday, August 30, 2010


SO ... i got the stuff for the diet and my mom is kinda happy about it too lol... EEK!!!! 3 days 10lbs... but i would be still happy with losing 5lbs... I had a good day today with food... i ate much healthier and even controlled :)

Handsome man roams in my mind..... His soft brown hair that sweeps down... His soft green eyes... His infections smile... :D what delight!

I wish i could see him this week.... When im skinnier... I need to get skinny... Wish me luck on the diet... If it doesn't work, ill be fasting a LOT!!!


what luck

Well, since my mom is not going to work anytime soon, i can't really start the diet :( And i was also thinking, whats the use of starting this diet if i dont even go to the gym regularly! I looked back at my Diet journal and i found the time where i was finally 170lbs and i got really emotional. To think that i was that skinny and now im a balloon... So i've decided to try out what i tried to do then. And i'll post what the diet is later. Im also going to try to fast but with school its hard since i need to use my brain rather than have it throb from hunger...

Ill post later,

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Enough is enough!

Im so sick of myself trying to hide my fat.
Im so sick of having so many beautiful skirts, dresses, and shirts that are just hanging in my closet because i gained weight over the summer from stress and eating to cover the stress.
Im so sick of having people say i have a pretty face
Im so sick of having to step aside for the skinny girls to take the guys i like
Im so sick of having to doubt myself so much because of my weight
Enough is Enough!
I think I have a solution!

I found this 3 days 10lbs diet online. And i've heard of it and even tried to do it before, but i just didn't make it through the 3 days. I want to try this.... even if it is only water weight. Not only will i do this diet but ill also go to the gym. I cant stand the excuses i give myself to not go. Even if ill be there alone, im going to go and work out! And between all of this ill fast at least 1 day between diet days!!!

Ill be buying the food tonight... if not tonight, then tomoro morning... In the article the guy lost 90 lbs in 4 months! and even in the comments, people lost weight on this diet. I hope some of you will try it with me... even if not on the same days... Where to get the info? i have a new tab ^--... Check it out!


Saturday, August 28, 2010


I haven't been myself lately and so many things are just putting me down. College started and its a challenge... Im at 190 today.. which is good but its only because i fasted all day yesterday... I ate this morning but im not planning on eating anything else... i feel soooo full and disgusting... Its a good thing College started... i can be busy with homework, studying, and my mind will be off food...

What i had:
  • 12 oz of coffee (coffee, milk, sugar, and a packet of splenda)
  • 3 chocolate chip cookies
  • 2 Light Laughing cow cheese wedges
  • And a few little Pub mix thingies

You might wonder why i was so bummed out... Well, the truth is, its a lot of things... and just a couple days ago i was about to have another melt down when the handsome guy i saw in summer finally came up to the Christian Booth we set up in the campus and realized that he doesn't recognize me at all and introduced himself to me :( Then i started to wonder, why did he wave and smile and stuff when he doesn't know me? Does he think i dont remember him?? UGH... But i guess its okay,... I WILL BE THIN ... and since im part of the Christian group on campus ill see him more and will be able to talk to him and stuff... I hope he'll look past the fat for now... but he's just too handsome to think he would.

Im planning to fast every other day... And once im strong enough, Ill try to fast 2 days at a time... While i fast, i will pray about getting rid of my sin of Gluttony, and all the other problems i have, but mostly about my sin of loving food so much. I need a life without food. I need to live my life, not live to eat!

If anyone wants to fast with me tomoro, please comment that you will and we can do this together. I know im not skinny like most of you here in the Skinny Community but it would be nice to have someone there to encourage you and give you advice throughout the day.

I miss you Ani, i hope you are doing fine,... you are in my prayers.


Friday, August 20, 2010


not happy at all :(

Monday, August 16, 2010

Hollywood diet

I looked around Drug Store weight management products and i came across the whole Hollywood Diet magical drink thing... And it was like $20!!! Thats crazy!... so i want to make my own "drink"... I was thinking of doing a 32 oz. of Crystal light drink (or Wyler's) and just drink that for the whole day.... but im consirned that the chalky taste of the splenda/artifical sugar is going to get me back to food :S sigh... this sucks soooo bad... i am back to 195 and i barely fit into my clothes and i have no idea how it happened :(

Friday, August 13, 2010

Stable 190

Its so nice not having my weight go up and down...
Im finally stablized at 190 :)
I know ive been kinda flaky lately but i think im finally alright... Ive been working alot and busy so im glad its all paying off...
I totally notice the difference lol
Ill take a pic later today :)

For my reward, im going to the boardwalk in Santa Cruz with the girls :)
My really good friends that i can trust and rely on. I cant wait! this is just so awesome!

catch you guys laters!


Monday, August 9, 2010


Im planning to fast all day today...
Oh its going to be tough...

I totally went to robot mode on saturday and sunday and i ate normally :(
SO im back to 193....
ugh a stupid number...

I was thinking earlier how i was at a stable 175lbs earlier this year and it makes me mad that i've gained so much. I feel stupid for eating so much. I feel stupid for not listening to my mom when she said "Thats enough". Its as if my body wants to stay fat. My body is comfortable with the fat. But i dont like it and it wont shed off.
I hope i really make it through today. I really need to get back to my nice 190... And of course lower than that. Im sick of being that fat girl in the family, the fat girl in my bible study group, the fat girl in choir, the fat girl in everything... Im sick of being told that i have a pretty face and a pretty voice but nothing else...

Saturday, August 7, 2010


I had a bloody headache this morning, but it was worth it.
The past few days were awful!
But i made it to my first goal -> 190lbs!
Im so happy!!!
At this pace i am sure to hit 170 for the pool party!

Thank you Ani and Fleur For your support :)

I still have many battles to overcome with my brain telling me to eat, but i dont care anymore.
I know what i need to do now to keep away from food.
I need to read a book, say "no" constantly to myself, and think happy thoughts.
Especially the happy thoughts of love and romance :) The books help alot with this area.
You can sit back and dream and really experience how relationships are really meant to be.

I read these books: "Surrender Bay: A Nantucket Love Story" by Denise Hunter and "What my mother doesn't know" by Sonya Sones .... Both are very lovely and would recommend you to read them... I going to start another book today but i dont know which one... I have so many!

Tomoro i will be posting a before and after pics of myself since i've hit my goal and if you check out my goal list, you will see what i did for my reward :P

Stay strong, beautiful, and thin

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Oh Fruit CAKE!!

Im not going to lie, i did have a slice...
It was lovely and sweet....
Especially with my coffee....
I deserved it... just that one slice...
Good thing i stopped eating at 11am today
So i had the chance to eat this lovely slice of fruit tart :)
It was my brother's birthday
Of course i felt bad for eating it....
but im going to do a mini exercise tonight and fast tomorrow and go to the gym to make it up...
We'll see what the scale will say...

193 again :)

Its good to be back at 193 again :)
And hopefully ill be able to be about 189lbs tomorrow :D

Today I'm planning on not eating after 12pm.
Its already 11pm and I'm nauseous from the food i already ate:

  • A bowl of honey nut cheerios with 2%milk
  • Peanut-butter/strawberry sandwich on 2 slices of multi-grain bread
  • Coffee w/2 teaspoons of sugar and 1/2 cup milk
  • and a handful of blueberries :)
Its not that bad actually :) Im planning to clean and read a book for today... Tomorrow i have work at 7am to 4pm and that will help me stick to my fast tomorrow.
Wish me luck for today!


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Brain pains

I hate it when my brain starts to talk to me.
Saying how much it wants to be fed in the stomach.
I say "NO!" not now wait for tomorrow"

Brain replies, "you can restart tomorrow too you know"
"no, i cant... if I'd do that what would be the point of today?"
Brain sighs and strikes me with pressure and hunger surges in the throat.

I don't mind the evil doings of my brain, but i fear ill snap.
Or that ill become robot-like and just walk into the kitchen and eat.
Not today, no not today...

I planned on being on a strict schedule for this week, its my vacation, its time.
Tuesday i don't eat after 6pm-ish, Wednesday i don't eat after 3pm
Thursday will be tough with no eating after 12pm, and with a grand finale on Friday with a fast!

Yes its a perfect plan, just perfect! And I'm actually doing it!
Though the hunger pains are coming on stronger, i know that thinspo pics will help.
And to think of my body at the end of this struggle.

Guys who are hot, don't like fat girls!
Big people get together with other big people; Hot and skinny people get together with their kind
And i want a hot dude!

This struggle will end soon enough...
When I'm going to be thin and with a man...
And if there will be no man, i have the whole world to discover :)

No eats after 3pm

Yesterday i was successful at one thing... not eating after 6pm
NOw im telling myself that today i dont eat after 3pm...
I want to build myself up... Cuz i know im not strong enough to start fasting right away.
But this is good...
On 08/21 and i got to be at least 170 lbs
That gives me now about 17 days...
If i just fast and then binge, im not going to get anywhere... so at least by Sunday, ill be able to fast all day all week for 2 weeks... with an occasional tea to not binge...
My pills are helping but they aren't so much...
I guess just with water weight, but i need fat melt down!!!
Im going to do a Salt water flush tonight...
Ive only been successful at it 1/10 times i do it.. so hopefully ill be able to do it...

Ive been restocking my lost Thinspo pics and i realized how much i have gained since highschool and its pretty bad! ... Even my mom found a pic of me and said "wow you are so skinny here!" When i know during that time she called me FAT.
Some of you girls are probably thinking, "well if your mom was so hard on you about your weight, why dont you have a eating disorder or be strong in your diets??" The fact is, i rebelled against my mom on this subject... anything else i listen to her for the most part, but about my body i just want to eat everything to make her mad... now im a fat cow and i regret everything i did... Most of you girls probably don't listen to your parents much, but my advice is to listen to what they say,... you dont have to agree, but at least give them that respect... i wish i did ....

Becoming a RN (registered nurse) is tough and its making me eat alot from all that stress and very emotional... Looking at myself at the mirror is hard and not fitting to any of the clothes i have is also really tough... But i know that Biologically my body needs the time to shrink and stuff but i dont have that kind of time... years are passing and i am still fat!!... HOpefully on Friday ill be able to fast... I need to fast! I have work from 7am-4pm so it would be good not to eat and sleep all day long :) And hopefully on saturday as well.

Please give me some tips and tricks!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

up all night?

Im planning to stay up all night... I know this isn't a good idea
Why isn't it a good idea? Ill tell you why...
Because i might have to go to work tomoro!
But even if i do, that will work well with what i have planned...
Staying up all night = -2lbs
Plus staying up all day and working with kids = -3lbs
A total loss of 5 lbs would be rewarded to me :)
Plus not eating all day will also make be lose a couple more pounds for the next day :)
If only i would stick to my plans...
I dont know even if the pills im taking are working...

Im still waiting on tips & stuff....


Its nice to see that number go down a couple pounds from yesterday :)
But im still huge :(
I bet many can say that im really huge too...
Its not like im 120 and crying my eyes out for not being 100 lbs..
I am overweight and obese at 193lbs!!!!

Im still waiting for tips and pills that i can use...
Im eating alot healthier but still eating throughout the whole day! >:(
Blueberries, Corn (homemade boiled corn), Peanut butter-strawberry sandwiches on whole grain bread, coffee with milk and sugar,... ugh i feel like a cow....


Monday, August 2, 2010

A step at a time

Though i have not really committed myself to fasting all day, i have been refraining myself a bit more and just snacking all day that eating meals all day.
I was freaking out and crying all day yesterday. My mom got really mad at me for going to another church while my choir was singing at our church. I knew in the back of my mind that i could have prevented it, that i should have just gone to choir and sing in front of the church... But i found out something very unpleasant... I can't fit into my bottoms :(
I mean i cant fit into my jeans nicely anymore, its a struggle to button them and even then it looks like i have a muffin top... My skirts dont fit at all! so i couldn't wear my nice black skirt to choir, it was our uniform for that morning :( ... but i couldn't tell my mom that... she would freak out even more and yell at me saying "i told you so! you shouldn't been eating so much!" ....
But dont you think i know that??? Dont you think that i hate myself for it?? that i think im ugly, disgusting, and shouldn't be in public???
I mean come on! I used to be 200 lbs and i worked my butt off to get to 170 lbs (it was heaven) and then the stupid classes i have to take ever semester puts so much stress on me that anything i eat will make me hold onto water more and huge urges to munch on everything all day!!! and now im like 195! and after my period it will be to 190! UGH!!!
This is insane!
I wish there were magical pills that would make all this go away...
I used to take pills... and then my mom found out and now checks through my room constantly...
Sometimes i feel like she really hates me...
Hates me for being fat,
For being like my Dad,
For not being a normal 20 year old girl,
For not being married yet,
For not even having a boyfriend yet,
For not speaking russian enough,
For not being like my sister,
For not being everything she wants me to be...

If you know any pills that help, or any drinks, or anything that helps weight loss... please comment them here... im at a desperate point...
Ill be drinking down some old diet pills i still have...
Ill be waiting for your response..