My Journey Thus Far:

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Terrible day

Well i thought the exercise was working, but i guess not :S I shot back up to 198!!! What a dreadful sight indeed... But its okay, im not eating today... even untill i cant take the pain anymore... Ill definitely will take multivitamins, cuz if you dont your stomach WILL eat itself and your body will eat at your muscle before it goes to fat.. believe me, i know what im talking about!!!
I got into a HUGE fight with my mom today... you see, i went to hang out with friends last night and my mom was at work and i didn't think i would be out long so i didn't think there was any point to say i was going... turned out that i was going to sleep over at my friends house and my mom flips over the fact that im not home and she almost had a heart attack when my dad thought i was home but i wasn't and blah blah blah im in deep trouble and i hate it... im so stupid sometimes... why didn't i call my mom before she went haywire? ugh i hate myself for making my mom so mad... now she's going to take it out on the rest of the family and my siblings will forever hate me. I have no appetite, i wish i also had no emotions right now so i can stop crying..
My mom is now planning to cut all ties with me and to stop helping me in everything... now i have to get at least $5,000 by the end of next year so i can pay my way through the nursing program :S ugh... i hope my dad can help me a little...

Molly, i dont know if i would call myself a c
hristian Ana cuz i dont really think of Ana,.. I think of God... he is the one actually giving you the strength in what you are doing everyday... i hope you stop depending on Ana as an idol, its a slippery slop to be on. And if you are planning to take your bible to the gym, make sure you are doing it with a clean heart and not with the intention of getting attention (my mom think i do it for the attention, i didn't even think of it)... <3 style="color: rgb(102, 51, 102);">

Here is my inspiration for today:{DOVE}

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sister's cooking

First off, i want to say "Welcome" to Molly :) for following the blog... i hope you'll enjoy and read some old posts... i have some pretty good thinspo pics here and there... And a huge thanks to Fluer, girl you are my rock!!

Now back to regular blogging...
So, i got up today and i couldn't weigh myself :( ... the scale is in my mom's room and she sleeps long into the morning... I left to work before i got the chance to... and by then, i already had something to eat and guzzled down 4 cups of water with Wyler's mix (10cals for 4 cups). I ate my good fluffy eggs (3 eggs + 1cup 2% Milk), and im glad i did cuz the kids i worked with today were wild! and probably burnt off my eggs.

I hate my sister's cooking... dont get me wrong its delicious
stuff but trying to keep my "diet" away from my family's eyes is hard when we all eat together... So i ate, but i'm proud of myself of picking good choices and small portions of the greasy stuff... And again, I guzzled down 4 more cups of Wyler water. All in all i ate less than 1000 cals today and im really proud :) It doesn't mean im not going to the gym to burn off 1000 cals... I read my bible while im on the eliptical now, and its amazing how time goes by so fast... In one hour i can burn up to 830cals!!! so hopefully i can do 2 hrs :D and burn off a little extra.

Im into Penpals... I know it seems childish and crazy, but its really cool... and the joy of getting a letter from the mail that isn't a bill or scam is great. And i got this new pal from UK (finally!), and he's such a cute g
uy! Spitting image of Johnny Depp :D so i should be getting his letter later this week or early next week... i'll keep you guys in touch if you want :P

SO here is my inspirations for today:

Late night weight

Well i ate about 1136 cals.... burned off 1000cals...
Weight = 196... Morning weight tomoro = ~194?

Tomoro im going to try to eat much less...

Much luck to you lovelies as well :)

{DOVE}This pic is really inspiring me today... cuz im that weight and i would love to be the "after" weight :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Im back

Well its been weird lately,... can't seem to lose weight... i pretty much gained alot of it back... since im on my period now, i have no idea what my weight is cuz i usually gain about 5-7lbs of water every time. Plus i figured that i shouldn't hold in my anger inside and that i should put it on the blog. Im restarting the buckwheat diet today, i have to really... My mother got into contact with my kindergarten teacher and i have to be at least 170lbs.... i dont want to be suck a sack of fat when i meet her...

We were looking at some old fotos with my mom a couple days ago and there were pics of me skinnier than i am now, and my mom was like "wow you were so skinny back then!" and i was like "Yeah you say that now, but back then you still gave me a hard time about being so fat".... ugh... but instead of gaining a ED i gained an extra 40 lbs instead...

Handsome-man is out of the question and out of the picture, i don't want to think about anyone who isn't interested in being at least a good acquaintance that loves to talk with you. My German friend will always will be around, and i can't wait to go visit him! I have a friend that has family over there so it will be much cheaper to fly over. There is so many other people i want to visit all over the world!

So i'm back and with a vengence,

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Final decision

Well i've had it... really ... Im sick of disappointing everyone and doing half the job i set myself up to do... I dont want to disappoint anymore... I dont want to lift spirits only to crush them... I'll be leaving my blog for a bit.... I want to take a break and figure myself out.... I lose weight and gain it right back and it just hurts me more when i know i am failing you all... So thats why i'm leaving... I wont be reading blogs either so I wont be tempted to say anything... If there is something really important, in my profile you can get my email address and email me... But i know you girls wont... who wants to talk to a fat girl who can barely lose weight?? :( I leave you with some photos i really love and look up to... She's a great model and she's from the country i am ... {DOVE}

Mixed feelings

Well today i was kinda scared to go onto the scale,... and so when i did i saw that i was indeed 190lbs. But i must ignore it right now,... why? Well my body is definitely not 190lbs! Its toned more, and i can fit into certain genes that i know i wouldn't be able fit into if i was 190lbs. So i will ignore the scale for a bit and still say that i did lose 5 lbs but my body has not changed.
I started the Buckwheat diet again today, but i changed it a bit... I need to add more liquid in the diet, so i've decided to have tea with milk and sugar that kefir. Why? Well, first off the tea is less calories than the kefir and it will help me to prolong the diet itself when i have those little moments of sweetness during the day.
I haven't gone to the gym in two days! and i can't wait till i go today. I should lay off the weights more since that makes me look fat on the scale than i really am so i'll just stick to 10lb weights... I need the weights to not have flabby arms in the end. or anything else flabby. Plus being on the elliptical helps me burn calories while i can raise the resistance and work out my legs :) Can't wait to go to the gym!!!

Sorry for being such a yo-yo with these diets, i know i'm a total failure,... but i'm trying... {DOVE}

Friday, October 1, 2010

Struggled and failed

I totally failed the diet and it was really working with me too!
I messed up big time and i binged!
There was a certain mistake i did that actually blew everything.
Its the fact that i started to eat less and less of the buckwheat and kefir.
Of course it becomes tasteless and band but i also knew i should have eaten all of it.
Because once i started only eating only a cup of it, the body went into starvation mode and that also means no more losing weight only gaining and going back to the weight you were... STANDSTILL!
UGH.... But all is good,... i guess... Im starting again tomoro... Today i think i need a break... ill be eating soup... nothing else... probably,...
At least i lost 5 bls :)



Well i was sooo hungry tonight, and i didn't go to the gym so that was a huge mistake on my part as well... But it seemed like i wasn't losing much weight... since i didn't want to eat the stuff, my body went to starvation mode and didn't let anything go :( Im starting over tomoro