My Journey Thus Far:

Monday, August 2, 2010

A step at a time

Though i have not really committed myself to fasting all day, i have been refraining myself a bit more and just snacking all day that eating meals all day.
I was freaking out and crying all day yesterday. My mom got really mad at me for going to another church while my choir was singing at our church. I knew in the back of my mind that i could have prevented it, that i should have just gone to choir and sing in front of the church... But i found out something very unpleasant... I can't fit into my bottoms :(
I mean i cant fit into my jeans nicely anymore, its a struggle to button them and even then it looks like i have a muffin top... My skirts dont fit at all! so i couldn't wear my nice black skirt to choir, it was our uniform for that morning :( ... but i couldn't tell my mom that... she would freak out even more and yell at me saying "i told you so! you shouldn't been eating so much!" ....
But dont you think i know that??? Dont you think that i hate myself for it?? that i think im ugly, disgusting, and shouldn't be in public???
I mean come on! I used to be 200 lbs and i worked my butt off to get to 170 lbs (it was heaven) and then the stupid classes i have to take ever semester puts so much stress on me that anything i eat will make me hold onto water more and huge urges to munch on everything all day!!! and now im like 195! and after my period it will be to 190! UGH!!!
This is insane!
I wish there were magical pills that would make all this go away...
I used to take pills... and then my mom found out and now checks through my room constantly...
Sometimes i feel like she really hates me...
Hates me for being fat,
For being like my Dad,
For not being a normal 20 year old girl,
For not being married yet,
For not even having a boyfriend yet,
For not speaking russian enough,
For not being like my sister,
For not being everything she wants me to be...

If you know any pills that help, or any drinks, or anything that helps weight loss... please comment them here... im at a desperate point...
Ill be drinking down some old diet pills i still have...
Ill be waiting for your response..


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